The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
