apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
