I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm like, not good at living.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
