Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
