Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
