I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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