Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
