Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
