Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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