Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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