i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
