I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
