just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
