Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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