Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
