Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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