why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
