Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
