this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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