I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
