A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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