Swine flu. Run for my life!
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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