You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
