More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
