Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
