Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
