This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
