WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
