I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
