Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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