she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
