I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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