I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
It was confusing and full of hummus
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You are the jesus of drinking
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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