Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
