bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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