Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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