why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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