I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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