I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
