Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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