I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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