I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
