The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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