it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i think my cat just said my name.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
