is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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