seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
