Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
