how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
