I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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