I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
