It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
