I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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