Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
