my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
